The Eve

I wrote this last night about an hour to this day and ended up contemplating whether to post or not… well I finally did and I have no idea what to expect so…

It’s about fifty minutes away from another birthday… I am just here, not making the effort to think or do anything else for that matter… Typing away, I am likely not to edit this for my blog, it may end up on there just as it comes to me.

The second half of my last but one birthday up until now has been someway… I have been alive but been struggling. Waking up one day to the news that the company you work for is folding up is not something I would wish for anyone… especially if it comes with no compensation no matter how small.

I have had friends and family look out for me… but it’s been harder than hard. I know each person have their own struggles and it takes a lot of sacrifice to make you their priority and I’m grateful. I fear rejection, yes I do and so asking is not particularly a strength of mine. So for anyone who saw through my struggles and offered a helping hand without my asking, I am grateful… For those who couldn’t help when I mustered courage to ask, I appreciate your listening ear… For those who helped without thinking twice, I’ll forever appreciate the kindness you showed me.

I honestly don’t know how I should feel about being a year older. I should be happy but… I have conversations where I laugh and say the silliest things but as to if the laughter is from deep within or just a façade, I’m still trying to figure. Being grounded and hopeful is probably what has kept me going and sane.

I am on the brink of tears and it won’t be the first or last time it will take tears to help me sleep. Another birthday is nigh, one thing I’m sure of is the fact that it’s one day closer to the end, when that is going to be, I have no idea. I believe in a supreme being and I’ve my own personal pact with s/he and so the end is actually farther than near. As to how things will turn out until then, no idea.

I want to be able to get out of this state of debt, pay back duly for the sacrifices made for me, have something going on right and be happy doing it… and be fully at peace.

I think it’s at this point that I need to be grateful, hope, pray and work for the best and for the tables to turn.

Hopefully I would be enthused about the next one.

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